- Posses excellent communication skills and be able to address delicate and random subjects, such as
- Why a playmate has two mommies or daddies
- What death is and why it’s part of life
- Why love is the only thing but it’s not always perfect
- Have exceedingly strong organizational skills and be a magical problem solver
- Will be required to locate missing socks and homework minutes before it’s time to leave for school,
- Be informed at 10:30 at night about two dozen cupcakes you were volunteered to bring in the following morning,
- Be willing to work variable hours
- Including the middle of the day when you’re in the middle of the most important meeting of your professional life
- Evenings and weekends
- During dinner parties
- Be on stand by to run to the hospital if child falls off the top bunk when he/she tries to bungee jump to the lower bunk or gets sick the second your chocolate soufflé comes out of the oven
- Be OK with frequent 24 hour shifts
- Respond quickly to piercing screams at 2:00 AM resulting from consumption of too many chocolate covered gummy bears
- Capable of industrial strength clean up when the gummed-gummies break free of the interior chamber and are deposited on the off-white Berber carpet in your bedroom as the child whispers the words I don’t feel very good into your ear
- Travel and shuttle services to the ends of the earth and back, 24×7
- Trips to crude locations requiring natural survival skills (NOTE: If camping is not your thing, I suggest booking a hotel and explaining room service and eating dinner on the balcony is almost the same thing as pitching a tent and cooking chili on a propane burner)
- Travel to expensive sporting venues and tournaments, willing to coordinate with other mothers, be eager to assume the role of leader or contributor,
- Snack provisioning without advanced notice – this is not limited to shuttle service
- Late night hospital visits
- Pick ups at 12:30 AM from failed sleep overs
Minimum Job Requirements:
- Accepting it’s a lifetime commitment
- There is no get out of jail free card (once you don the Mom persona you are labeled forever more, even if you wear a size nothing, host Botox parties, have plastic surgery, change your name or try to enter the Witness Protection Program)
- Loss of sleep – this begins at conception followed by several months after childbirth, and will resurface again during the toddler years. There is an extended period of calm following the fifth birthday, but loss of sleep resumes in the tween years following the discussion about safe sex, birth control, and is a constant companion during the high school dating years.
- A wiliness to sacrifice time, personal space, and alone time in the early mornings
- Accepting you will fall instantly and remain unconditionally hooked until your last breath.
- Ability to worry incessantly from the instant you lay eyes on the bundle of joy and continue worrying long after the child becomes an adult
- Acceptance you will fail and have bad mom moments at least daily
- Be able to jump out of a hot bath and run flat out at neck breaking speeds if the screaming from the living room is blood curdling.
- Face stimulating technical challenges such as fractions, changing the back tire of a bicycle, creating a Face Book account, or programing TIVO
- Having air traffic controller skills is a must as you will be required to maintain calendars, coordinate multiple homework projects, and shuttle runs
- Must assume accountability for the quality of the final output
- You must have a surplus of medical supplies, chocolate chip cookies, and good insurance.
- Know how to create anything from nothing – ala MacGyver
- Be ready to answer any question with total and complete honesty
Perks (there are none, but if you are still reading you’re mad as a hatter and deserve to know the rest)
- There is no advancement – NONE AT ALL. Be prepared for outrage if you suddenly rediscover your buried but not forgotten identity and decide to, 1) follow your dreams 2) join a gym 3) take a writing class, 4) by a ’67 red convertible Ford Mustang, 5) occasionally decline participating in endless weekend shuttle driving and designating the father figure the soccer mom role.
- None is required because the first minute of the child’s life you are instantly certified qualified and functionally insane because from that minute forward you will go beyond human capability, give, find love when there is none, give and give, and give again
- Unless you have a job outside the home there is no compensation
Other than sparse to non-existent opportunities for personal growth there are smiles without reason, hugs and hand holding, requests for lunch dates, trips to the movies, and the occasional I love you, Mommy, for no reason at all and usually when least expected. DANGER WILL ROBINSON, heartache and leaky eyes can be expected
- Excellent interpersonal skills with the ability to work well with and on small teams
- Always hope for the best but be willing to accept the worst
- Ability to take charge and resolve hostile situations at any instant
- Willingness to take risks and try new ideas
- Mature confidence in making decisions – including the mundane
- Passionate about influencing the outcome with no expectation of acknowledgement and hoping if not praying your sacrifice yields a positive impact in the their life and the rest of the world
- Having a whimsical attitude is a huge plus, as well as the ability to laugh when tears are more appropriate.
- Be exceptionally forgiving
- Posses the ability to love on demand
- Be able to say no when you want to say yes, to say yes when you want to lock them in the bedroom and throw away the key until you are ashes in the wind or the world ends.
- To give love without exception or expectation it will be returned
Thank yous and tips are not included.
Have you considered getting a cat?
Please feel free to add or amend.