Always In a Hurry

Even though I am in writer’s hell—the in between— that doesn’t stop my imagination from creative license. The agent offer letter isn’t something I’ve lived through, but I suspect squealing like a school girl, clinking crystal flutes, shopping for faux fur and gold lamé sling backs to wear while parading around my writer’s room and practicing my acceptance speech for the Academy Award I’ll receive from the movie that follows fifty-two weeks on the New York Time’s Best Seller list.

As I was dressed and ready to party I hopped the dream cloud from the speech rehearsal to the after party where I was knocking knees with Hollywood’s sexist, making chit chat, laughing, and being mysterious when asked about the next book. As Mr. Clooney leaned across Colin to whisper sweet nothings into my ear, the train doors opened at my stop and reality sailed in with a gust of stale underground air.

I stepped off the train and turned to watch the doors come together shattering the illusion. It’s all unknown at this point but as I said, the imagination takes liberties with fate and gravity. Did I mention my body was air brushed to perfection when Colin and I were holding hands?

It was a noteworthy moment so I sent a mental memo down the wires to the little men in my head in charge of writing these things down. My wires crossed in transit. Instead of remembering George and Colin I was in the middle of a flash back traveling at light speed through all those other moments where I was yearning for the next big thing in my life. I couldn’t help but smile when I reached the end of the trip.

In A Hurry

At ten, I counted the days to my teens,
and dreamed of a Playtex padded AA.

At eleven, I yearned to take aspirin and lie flat on my
back atop of my mother’s heating pad.

At thirteen, I dreamed of sitting behind the wheel of
a ’67 mustang, top down, with the wind carrying me along.

At sixteen, there was the boy who ignited a blazing
fire deep in my belly, skin melting into skin filled my dreams.

By eighteen, my mind was swirling with gotta have
now-my first JD and Coke, grown up sex, and credit.

Twenty-one gave me cravings for room service,
lazy mornings in bed with Mr. Maybe, and exotic travel.

Before thirty, I wanted money, a career, and Mr.
he has to the one, a BMW, and a condo at the beach.

At thirty, it was the next promotion, a two-caret flawless
hidden in a blue box, a dress of tulle, and a house on the hill.

Now in my forties I yearn for gravity to stop its siege on
this body, for the days behind to be sharp and not blurred.

Always dreaming forward, wanting tomorrows pre-filled,
believing if only I where there now, then I would have it all.

Now when I look back and inventory the days piled behind me,
I know there is nothing I want more than to be where I am.

Over the years I yearned for what was out of reach,
never knowing I was always where I needed to be where I was.

What is mine now is of my own design, and
the skin around my bones never felt so right.

Loving the skin I’m in won’t stop me from imagining the next stop on the tracks because it’s what I do, I create alternate worlds as I move through my days.

Are you an in the moment sort of person or do you paint brilliant landscapes when you’re pondering the possibilities?

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I’m a writer and hoarder of one-size-fits-all panty hose. Until the hose fits over my bum, I write to provide an alternative view on writing and perfection.

36 thoughts on “Always In a Hurry

  1. I used to always be looking ahead, but I’ve recently learned to live in the moment. I’m still looking forward to contracts, releases, hopefully a movie deal (please, please, please!), but I’m trying to enjoy where I am now. It’s a great place to be and I don’t want to miss anything.

    Remember that all this waiting will make it totally worth it when you get “the call”. Just try not to be a babbling idiot like I was. LOL. I went from not being able to talk to not being able to shut up. I have no clue what I was even saying. Thankfully, Lauren was very sweet and calmed me down so we could have a real conversation.
    Kelly Hashway recently posted….Movie or TV Series AdaptationsMy Profile

    • Kelly – It’s dam hard to stay in the moment. I have to work at it, truly I do. The mind has a will of its own and does wander off down the path dreaming its dream. As for the other, I believe in my writing and holding out for the agent who connects with my words. I know when I was looking for someone to help me edit my novel I never thought I’d find someone who I was so comfortable with – who I trusted. And then… you were there. I believe.

  2. Fantasy. That’s where life could be whatever I wanted it to be. Somehow I thought it made life easier to cope with, but now I think it just adds a little sidestep so that I can set my imagination free.
    Reality. That’s where life hurts or takes flight. It’s up to me much of the time … all in the attitude and frame of mind. But I do believe that fantasy makes it a little sweeter.
    Imagination. That’s where my real life meets with fantasy, adding spice — and isn’t that what it is for a creative? We need fantasy to mingle with reality.
    So, I think I am more of one when dry of dreaming, but the other when seeing beyond my own horizons.
    Did I even answer your question, or did I just get philosophical on you?
    Lynn A. Davidson recently posted….Dancing – a videoMy Profile

    • Linda I think adding spice is what we fiction writers do best. There is no right or wrong answer, you shared and that’s more than i can hope for. I don’t know about much about fantasy as genre to write, but I admire it when I am reading it. My view on writing is to write from your heart and be true to the characters. It’s there story, after all. We pull the strings work out the details but once we start writing the story and breathe life into the page, that’s when the magic happens.

  3. Wow! I adore how your imagination works, Brenda! I think as writers, we can’t help but take flights of fancy now and again. Paradoxically, I think that’s actually what keeps us grounded and focused.
    I could certainly relate to those days when I longed for the future. Now, I am the most content I have ever been to live each moment in the here and now.
    Fabulous post!!!
    Martha Orlando recently posted….All ‘Stressed’ Up and Nowhere to GoMy Profile

    • Thanks, Martha. I have fun letting my mind skip down the garden path. I’d have to agree with you about writing keeping us granted. When life is manic and I feel myself caught up in my to-do list I come back to the writing. As long as I have writing to return to everyday I know I can weather any storm I might be in the middle of. Blessings to you, to.

  4. Brenda, this reminded me so strongly of the only birthday I ever dreaded. The age 22 frightened me to death. I knew that when I turned 21, there would never be another year I thought “I can’t wait till I’m 13, 16, 18, or 21”. Who on earth thinks, “I can’t wait till I’m 60?”. Twenty Two was the big one for me. After that, eh! You are as young as you feel, and at 66, I’m still a long way from “elderly”. I just wish I could put words as elegantly together as you can!
    Linda Medrano recently posted….It All Started Early This AfternoonMy Profile

    • Linda – I am honestly shocked you are 66 – you are my shero. You’re one heck of a woman. I am awed as always by your wonderful words. This is a poem I wrote a while ago but revised for the post. I continue to explore my writing by trying to write poems. One day I will get it right.

  5. Ah the unforgiving passage of time, the source of so much of my inspiration. Gotta hate those down days, but love the gifts they hand over. You’ve got me thinking – yes I do dream and fantasize, but not nearly as much as I used to. Wonder if that’s a good thing or a bad thing? I reckon life has been pretty down for too long now, so I am just happy to coast along and forget about what the future holds and simply enjoy the ride! Lest you think this is because I have entered some kind of Buddhist nirvana, well no, I’m not that enlightened. It’s probably more to do with fear – if I think too much about the sheer audacity I am displaying in trying to write, then I would run like the blazes away from my pen and notebook!
    Edith recently posted….The Winter VaultMy Profile

    • Edith – I think as writers and women, we go through phases. I’ve always seen the world in pictures so dreaming is like breathing. I’ve learned though that each of writers are different and approach our craft differently. I can’t tell you how to feel but I’d suggest you kick your fear to the curb and just go for it. Trust your voice.

  6. Dream BIG.
    That’s what writers worth their weight do because they know.
    I never dream of hobnobbing with celebrities, but of book signings, speaking engagements, contracts, agent and publisher bombardments.

    Oh girl, love that skin you’re in, my talented, beautiful, awesome friend.
    I’ll say exactly what I think and use cliché’s if I feel like it: you rock!
    Enjoyed the trip to my friend’s inner world!
    Debra recently posted….Off the WallMy Profile

    • Debra, this isn’t really an option with dreams. They are what they are and when they come we have to ride them out. I don’t have the words to express how much your words mean to me – they are beautiful and encouraging beyond belief. I was in a bit of a question phase last month (not uncommon) and glad it’s behind me. Your words are music to my ears.

  7. I remember all those things we used to look forward to when time seemed to pass so slowly. Now that it passes by so fast, perhaps we do it less often, because the moment is always upon us before we know it.

    Today I think I appreciate being in the moment more than I did in my youth, knowing those moments of bliss when they arrive and allowing oneself to fill up with it, because there is pleasure in remembering even when the moment has passed.

    But I will will always look to the future in preference to the past, I like to imagine the future, to have a vision of its contentedness, to think beyond the thing I want to achieve now and know the feeling of having made it real.
    Claire ‘Word by Word’ recently posted….Prodigal SummerMy Profile

    • Claire – That’s a wonderful perspective – to imagine the future and have a vision of peace and contentment. You’ve a wonderful sense of help that radiates in your words. As for the manic state we live in when we want more than what’s ahead of us – it’s part of growing and coming into ourselves.s

  8. Love the poem Brenda. Especially since I have recently realized that I need to slow down and do things at my own measured pace, stop trying to keep up with what I think are everyone else’s expectations. Writing and art have both stepped back for some time in a breathing and training cocoon and will hopefully both emerge at a new level. Glad your skin is feeling right around your bones!
    Carol Apple recently posted….Lining up: What’s worth the wait?My Profile

    • Hey Carol! I am jumping happy jumps for you. I figured this out last year when I was spinning around and around. I do get caught up in the cycle now and again but at least now I can recognize it and take action before I get overwhelmed. You will be surprised how much stronger you are as an artist once you come back into your stride. I found my writing improved greatly when I stayed focused.

  9. I used to long for the future too, Brenda until I made my peace with the now and have learned to live in the present. However, as writers we must allow our thoughts to soar and our minds to dream, mustn’t we? Only now there’s not so much longing in my thoughts.
    I love how your thoughts flow into exquisite words ♥

    • Corinne – I think most of us gals go through this phase always in a hurry because we tend to have a heck of lot to do. I can’t comment on men because I am not one and haven’t a clue how they process. As a writer, the mind is always moving. I do believe you inspired a post.. And thanks kindly for visiting and leaving a wonderful comment and inspiration for a post.

    • Linda… we can’t help but ponder the next minute. It’s double edged sword. It keeps us moving but it can also keep us dreaming and not doing. I suppose the trick is to keep it real.

    • Elizabeth – regardless of age, we humans have a habit of dreaming beyond the world we sit it, especially if we harbor a creative gene or three. It’s the way we roll.

  10. Astra

    Beautiful words to which I can relate. I knoe all about goals, goals and more goals. They keep propelling us further along the path, don’t they? I do paint brilliant landscapes and am then sometimes disappointed when no one sees what I see or shares my sense of accomplishment . I have to remind myself to live in the moment!
    Astra recently posted….Breaking up is hard to do…My Profile

    • Astra – I only have the one talent, writing. To paint or sing, now that would be something. Yes, our goals push and push, which to be honest isn’t such a bad thing provided we stay sane and presently perfect. Another goal..

  11. B, the imagination used to work around 22 hours a day for me. As in, fantasies about the future and about the what-could-have-beens. Then I realize how much my reality has suffered and I don’t want the gap between fantasies and reality to be so wide. Guess I still believe there is a way to make the reality rather close to the imagined reality. In the moment. In the moment. In this moment. Yes, I need reminders to stay in the moment and to enjoy myself in my skin, too (never really knew what that meant until recent years).

    I was reading through your breakdown on different wants at different ages, and I thought of how there is this faint pressure of having to do/accomplish these things at certain deadlines. (‘Faint’ because I won’t let it grow stronger than that.) Or, how I ought to be doing what my friends are doing. ‘Always in a hurry’ ~ how true that we press ourselves so. LUckily, it’s not too late in our 30s and 40s to hurry the hurriedness away!
    Claudine Gueh recently posted….This Trip of So-MuchMy Profile

    • C- I do believe we have to grow through the few of the phases to understand the importance of appreciating the time we are in – until we get there, there is rushing. I’d like to say I always been enlightened and never did anything like this, but alas, I am and always be a work in progress. Even today, I remind myself to hug my bones. What does surprise me is meeting women my age or older, still on the treadmill of tomorrows. I wonder if they know something I don’t or if they haven’t figured it out yet. I could go on and on about this urgency but it’s likely another post.

  12. jan

    I spent many days living in a world of fantasy, unfortunately I did nothing or little to achieve the goals I dreamed about. Now I am so happy in myself and have grown so much, I live everyday as much as I can in the moment, being present for what is happening now.

    I so recognize what you wrote and how it feels, I too am grateful to be where I am today. Thank you for this post.
    jan recently posted….I have walked miles; there are many more to travel.My Profile

    • Jan – Traveling between places if part of growing into ourselves. If not for the process we wouldn’t learn to appreciate where we are – right? It’s what I think, anyway. It’s all part of our evolution. At least it sounds logical to me, anyway.

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