Don’t Take Love for Granted

by Brenda on May 7, 2012

Don’t take love for granted for it has a will of its own.  Yet you will do, not just once but time and time again.  You’ll watch it leave you, or you yourself will leave it where you found it, along with the person you found it in.  This is a lesson only learned through life and it is not one I can bequeath. Although I would if I could.  Rather, I thought I’d leave some rough guidelines as well as early warning signs to watch for.

Love and lust when it’s hot

  • Your nighttime dreams invade your waking dreams
  • You can’t control the electrical currents shooting down your limbs when he is close
  • Your thoughts are like the inside of 5,000 piece puzzle – jumbled
  • Your lust boils, and rises like a vapor off your skin
  • You fail to notice-ANYTHING
  • You remember your lover’s touch long after…

Love out of habit, while lust is tepid and only hot after copious amounts of wine

  • Your dreams are less animated, PG13 (heavy petty and groping), more than less, and prime time viewing is appropriate
  • Your body involuntarily freezes, is toy soldier rigid and not pliable like putty, when he hovers
  • The mess in your head is more ordered, easier to follow, and no longer bewildered
  • Lust is not lost and easily recalled with a bottle of Merlot, Barry White, and facial paper doll cut outs of Hugh Jackman, Rhett Butler, Johnny Depp, Gerard Butler, etc., mentally placed over your own lover’s face as he ….
  • You lover’s  words start to blur into white noise, the grinding the back of his teeth make while chewing makes you want to hurl a dinner plate in his direction.  You’ve started to make a mental list of all the things that bother you
  • You take a shower soon after..

The move from hot intoout of habit is and isn’t curable, preventable, and in some cases, it might be desirable.

Incurable romantics live for the first phase. They rarely stick around once the daydreaming about the lanky man with grey eyes they see on Tuesdays at Starbucks starts.  Once into the ‘out-of-habit’ phase of a relationship, the romantic knows that the hot and lusty phase is over.  They also realize how much work is required for rekindling.  If it was only a fling and not the real thing, the true romantic won’t stick around to restart the flame.  However, if, and it’s a big IF, the romantic knows in the pit of their stomach the feelings they are feeling are bigger than a fling, then they will fight heaven and live through hell, X-lovers, move baggage, lose weight, write poetry, alter the universe, just for a fighting chance at ever after.

The End

… they lived happily ever after…

Even after bliss, like what you have with your latest lover should be bottled at sold over the counter.  After a longish time, after all the battles, the badges of honor, when all is said and done, and if, by some miracle, the real thing is found, the Some Enchanted Evening, sort of passion,  you (the new romantic) will forget how hard you fought to win it.  You will.  Don’t shake your head at me, you will forget.  One night you’ll  slip between the sheets wearing grandma underwear and white sports socks.  It feels so right being together.   All the reasons why you fought so hard to begin with start to blur into nothing.

When you say to yourself in the darkest of nights, I’ve forgotten what put the need in me,  you’ll know you’ve taken your lover and that love your fought so hard to have, for granted.

Options are few at this juncture.

  • Buy sexy knickers and book a room in a hotel with room service, with the plan not to leave the room the entire weekend
  • Have the talk
  • Pretend that watching reruns of Law and Order and eating frozen pizza is what you wanted all your life
  • Join a gym, write a chick lit novel, became an overnight success, and take a new lover ( or several)

If all else fails, or you’ve given up on this lover, start over, dump your granny undies (dump ‘em anyway), and take another spin on the dance floor of life, never giving up on the possibility.

Care to share one lesson you’ve learned in the pursuit of love?

NOTE:  I am working on a new book, and my character, Rosa, is stuck in a moment she can’t get out of (a theme I love exploring). She like many of us have, is redefining her life.  This is an old post from my early blogging months I went in search for today for Rosa. I believe the sentiment never changes and after dusting it off ( as a writer does when we revisit our own work) I am re-posting.

{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }

Neurotic Workaholic April 27, 2011 at 5:01 am

I wouldn't have to pretend that I like Law and Order, because I love that show and I think the original one was the best in the series. I wish it hadn't gotten cancelled.

I haven't found true love yet, but I can definitely relate to the issue of moving from one phase of romantic feeling to the next. When I first started dating years ago, I admit that that first-time infatuation was exciting, but after it faded I started seeing things more clearly and I realized that full-on infatuation can be too consuming. It makes you forget about other things in your life that are important to you.

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Brenda April 27, 2011 at 5:32 am

I agree about full-on infatuation, still it can be a lot of fun so long as you know what you are doing. Life is terribly short, so I'm of the mind send (most of the time) to enjoy as much of it as I can.. James Dean said once, "Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." If love flutters by you today, catch it and run.

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Cathy April 28, 2011 at 1:26 am

As soon as I throw my hands to the heavens in despair and decide to join a monastery, love comes barreling in. Go figure!

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Brenda April 28, 2011 at 3:30 am

It does… said the hopeless romantic, ever and always.

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Bella April 28, 2011 at 5:48 am

"Lust is not lost and easily recalled with a bottle of Merlot, Barry White, and facial paper doll cut outs of Hugh Jackman, Rhett Butler, Johnny Depp, Gerard Butler, etc., mentally placed over your own lover’s face as he …."

HOWLING!

OMG, been there, done that! Guilty as charged! :) Do you think this makes me a romantic or just a creative problem solver? However, my facial paper doll cut out is of Javier Bardem. I'd walk on glass and through fire for that man! hee hee!

Love the post!

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Brenda April 28, 2011 at 5:56 am

I think, both. Javier… Yes, I'd be walking with you across those coals. I am so shallow! It was meant to be funny, glad you laughed. After years of living in London, my humor is twisted. Thanks, Bella for coming by. I've enjoyed your company here in the blogosphere..

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Kelly Hashway May 7, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Great post, Brenda. And I love that you reposted this for Rosa. You get so into your characters, and I love it. Why do I have a feeling I know what Rosa is going to do? (Not that it’s predictable; I just think I’ve gotten to know you as a writer and a person to figure it out.)
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Brenda May 7, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Kelly, I am fairly transparent when it comes to what fascinates me. I’m not sure where Rosa is going yet, still early for me. She isn’t like Stella when it comes to choices and she has some ghosts to lie to rest. Of course, there is a fling along the way but then there is Harrison, the one that got away. Who knows where we will end up.

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Beverly Diehl May 7, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Ah, that tingly-crazy lust filled stage of love. Isn’t that what we all live for, rather than, “Honey, where’s the Kaopectate?”
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Brenda May 9, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Bev – for me there isn’t anything better. I supposed it’s what keeps me breathing and getting up every morning–the possibility of magic.

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Jodi May 8, 2012 at 12:23 am

I think I learned selflessness and selfishness and the very fine line between!
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Brenda May 9, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Jodie, spot on distinction. I hadn’t thought about it with those specific words (which I may borrow) but I loved the blurry line they conjure in my mind.

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Dangerous Linda May 8, 2012 at 1:19 am

Hi, Brenda! ~

What a tragic and true (and hilarious) post! hahaha!

My favorite lines: “…if, by some miracle, the real thing is found, the Some Enchanted Evening, sort of passion, you (the new romantic) will forget how hard you fought to win it. You will. Don’t shake your head at me, you will forget.”

One lesson I’ve learned in the pursuit of lasting love is to keep a clean house in my mind — Zero tolerance for dust bunnies such as: “…facial paper doll cut outs of Hugh Jackman, Rhett Butler, Johnny Depp, Gerard Butler, etc., mentally placed over your own lover’s face as he ….” and “You’ve started to make a mental list of all the things that bother you…”

Thank you for continually stirring your creative juices which keeps your loving, lusting readers, like me, stoked and wanting more of … YOU! XO
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Brenda May 9, 2012 at 12:26 am

Oh Linda, so glad you had a smile. I had a fun writing it and then rewriting it. Tis my pleasure to keep your creative heart blazing with possibility. It help me get through a scene in a story I am working on.

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Elizabeth May 8, 2012 at 1:22 am

I have learned that real love never dies. One may decided not to feed a love (for a myriad of reasons), but if you truly love someone, it can never be eliminated, for that is not the nature of love. I’ve also learned that we don’t choose who we fall in love with, and this can cause a great deal of anguish! Thanks for sharing Brenda.
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Brenda May 9, 2012 at 12:24 am

Elizabeth, I don’t think true love dies, but it can get dull and be taken for granted. I suppose it’s human nature to do this, which of course, isn’t always the best, but then again, who am I to say what’s good or bad. I am just a writer exploring human nature.

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Astra May 8, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Tragedy and humour in one post… such common partners that you make un commonly unique with your words! Well done!
Lessons in love from a floundering hot but habitual romantic? Well, I have *always* gone for the man who tickles my funny bone. Can’t help it… if you make me laugh, I’m bound to love you!
I also read or heard this advice somewhere: “Don’t marry him until you see how he treat the waitress”. Not sure if it’s good or not, but worth putting on the list…
~A
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Brenda May 9, 2012 at 12:22 am

Astra, totally meant to be fun. I had written the post for my daughter a while ago, but as I am knee deep in a new project and at the cross roads with the character I dusted if off. I was pleased my own work helped me through a story issue.

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Linda Medrano May 8, 2012 at 5:09 pm

I hate it when the hot passion is replaced by “comfortable” passion. But, alas, it does happen. I miss the heat! But I don’t miss the insecurity and the heartbreak of that unsustainable emotional roller coaster. I have a friend (she’s 65) and she still buys “slutty” lingerie to please her husband. I love people who do that!
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Brenda May 9, 2012 at 12:20 am

Linda, really is not fun when passion looses it’s meaning. I love this about your friend, yay for her.

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My Inner Chick May 9, 2012 at 3:25 am

–I agree w/ Linda M.
We get comfortable, but desire the heat…the heat we had in the beginning.
Anything goes. Slutty lingerie. Wine. A maid Uniform. Do it on the Table. On the Oriental!
And Lots of SPICE.
I don’t want to be COMFORTABLE.
I want PASSION <3 Xxxxxx
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Monica May 9, 2012 at 5:43 am

Oh, Brenda, once again you’ve touched on a subject important to so many. I decided to stop fretting about this some time ago. I just focus on me, my family and friends, and my determination to write that book. One day, one day, it’ll get done. I find this much better to the ups and downs and knots in your stomach emotions that can come with love. I know there’s the good side, but I find it fleeting. It does sour for one reason or another. Which makes me sad. So, for now, enough. Move on and get with the program. That’s my motto! :)
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Mike Adams May 9, 2012 at 6:08 am

Wonderful and thoght provoking as always! Thanks Brenda! :-)
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Brenda May 9, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Thanks, Mike, glad you enjoyed.

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November Rain (k~) May 9, 2012 at 11:10 pm

To slip in and out of the lusty corners where dust bunnies fear to tread, is love. Love in its flesh burning, to flesh craving fire that builds throughout the day until skin has a mind of its own, is lust.

I’ve learned that you find the one that is “right” for you, while you are doing what it is you do. ;-)

No pretensions, calculated expectations, and a desire to grow with another.
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Brenda May 10, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Hey, K…I agree, we find the ‘right’ one when we’re not really looking. It’s my belief this theory applies to every other aspect of life, as well. If we look we don’t find, if we carry on doing what we are doing, it’s there when we lift our heads. Insightful comment.

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Claudine Gueh May 10, 2012 at 2:43 am

I agree with November Rain: no pretensions, no ‘mickey-mousing’ around with telling the other how you feel, and finally a desire to grow with each other.
There’s always the anxiety of rushing out to meet people, hoping to find ‘the one’ but I suppose if we concentrate on doing what we love, and being the kind of person we strive to be, special people will come along and meet us.
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Brenda May 10, 2012 at 5:15 pm

C- I am field with anxiety ( but not the love kind) off to a writer’s conference next week. Same butterfly feeling but for different reasons. And I to agree with K, she nailed it.

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Nikky44 May 10, 2012 at 9:42 am

A very nice post Brenda. It gives hope when one wonder if true love ever exist!

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Brenda May 10, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Nikky – I believe it does but then I am a romantic at heart.

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Myrna May 10, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Brenda, glad you reposted this. You delineate the stages of romance so well. Good luck with the book you’re writing. Nice to meet you and thanks for visiting my blog.
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Brenda May 10, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Hi Myrna, It was my pleasure. Thanks for coming by. I had fun writing the post the first time, and even more the second time around.

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kario May 10, 2012 at 4:52 pm

I’m with Astra – make me laugh and I am yours.

Been married to the same guy for nearly 20 years now and, yes, we are used to each other, but I have to say that sometimes that’s a relief. I do get the spark now and then that reminds me of the past – especially when I see him being especially tender or insightful with our daughters. It reminds me that he has the capacity to truly adore a female.
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Brenda May 10, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Kario – laughing is under valued, under rated, forgotten, but it’s a savior in any moment. There is something in the comfort zone, but there is always that other side of a woman that got us there to begin with.. How’s the new house?

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Adriene May 10, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Love this post, Brenda. ;-) I’m not sure I have any of it figured out. I think the beginning of love is very intense so that you will keep that memory and stay together when it get boring. (!!) Yeah, well, maybe now is not the time for me to try to answer such questions …

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Brenda May 11, 2012 at 3:29 am

Adriene -I am never sure there a good time to talk about love, but it’s kind of my thing, to explore and ponder. As sure as I am about my next breath and the one next week, I know you’ll find your moment.

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Amiee Woods May 11, 2012 at 3:28 am

Love this article. I have been there and done that! lol… I have also crossed the road from habit to lust again. It is all in the mind… and some serious reinventing!

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Brenda May 11, 2012 at 4:08 am

Hi Amiee, thanks much for stopping by. I sometimes feel the road is a constant loop, sometimes it’s good, sometimes, not so much, but always always worth it.

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