Having It All

all seeing eyeI think to myself, I want it all.
Then a voice deep within asks, “What does that mean? What do you need that you do not have now?”

Later, after a glass of wine, maybe two, I think, life is too short and there is much left to do.
Then my inner voice asks, “What is left to do that you are not doing now?”

The next morning, as I ride the train to work, I feel the weight of my to-do list on my sagging shoulders and fear I will never get through it.
My loving voice suggests, “Why not re-write the list?”

At restaurant, later on that same day while I wait for friend to join me for dinner, I consider my present circumstances, the path I took to arrive at my moment, the detours, and all the roads I did not take.
“Every path we follow is as it should have been. Detours are destiny in drag. No choice is wrong,” my voices, tells me, “Hindsight is like the illusion mirrors found at a circus, it distorts the true accomplishments of the person’s life.”

During the dinner conversation, I listen to my friend as she expresses her regret over a decision she had no choice in making. Her agony having to live through the aftermath, and how the burden she feels having made a choice that was clearly the wrong one, weighs her down.
“We have free will and are seldom compelled to do what we do not want to do,” my inner mind offers. “I concede a person will often make a decision not of their liking, but the reasons for said choice are clear. Compromise is not to be confused with lack of choice. We do what we do because somewhere in our mind, soul, or heart, we decide on a course of action in the minute we are in because that is the best of the worst possible choices.”

As I slip into the cold Egyptian cotton sheets I purchased during the sweltering days of August, I wonder if I will realize the dreams I dream. Will I reach my goals? Will I become what I aspire? Will I shed the doubt that lingers in the shadows, and break free of the imaginary ties that sometimes bind? Will I give love without worry that it may never be returned?
A chuckle shatters the silence in my mind. “You make me laugh, girl. Your dreams are what got you where you are. Until you draw your last breath, you will dream as only a dreamer does. You’re goals change daily, my sweet, as such not all are attainable, but rest assured the ones that matter the most will see the light of day.  As for the rest, you are who and what you were meant to be. Your doubt is what pushes you to reach beyond the ordinary. And finally, as for love, girlfriend, when you figure out the answer to that question, you’ll write a bestseller, have a magazine and talk show named after you. Love cannot be measured equally. It’s naturally complex, mysterious and intoxicating, illogical, and irreversible once it settles over it’s prey-the unsuspecting heart.

At some point, I fall asleep and dream the dreams only a dreamer dreams.

What does having it all mean to you?

by

I’m a writer and hoarder of one-size-fits-all panty hose. Until the hose fits over my bum, I write to provide an alternative view on writing and perfection.

32 thoughts on “Having It All

  1. Great way to put things in perspective, Brenda. I have my daughter, who is the best gift I could ever receive and who means the world to me. I have a husband who supports our family (and me) so I can write for a living. As long as I get to see my daughter live a long, happy, healthy life, I think I can say I have it all. At least I have all I need. :)
    Kelly Hashway recently posted….Writer Wednesday: Blurbing BooksMy Profile

    • Kelly, that is a rich list you have. It’s our nature to want more, but so long as we value what we have and work for the other, there is a fine balance.

  2. Something is in the air, Brenda — and I’m guessing is has something to do with time of year, and, for women of a certain age, time of life. One comment, in particular, on my daughter’s latest post (from Claire), got me thinking about her approach to letting things she visualizes become manifest. For me, I have so much to be thankful for, yet I do grapple with certain things not quite in place the way I had thought they would be at this point in my life.
    Deborah Batterman recently posted….What day of the week never comes?My Profile

    • Deborah, I have to wonder if this frame of mind is wired in the genetic code of all women. My daughter, like yours, does the same. I can;t help but wonder if there is always a list of things we desire to get to but for reasons outside of our control, we don’t.

  3. Sometimes I wonder if none of it matters, you know. We are all just a drop in the ocean. We get afraid of missing a little opportunity, (Who cares if I didn’t get to drive the stimulator when we ran out of time?) but there are those in jail-sometimes unjustly-for decades. What have they missed? And what have they lived that I have not? What if you were born without arms? It boggles the mind. We can just do the best we can each day. To me this takes the pressure off. No matter what situation, I can get something out of it. There is life to be lived wherever.
    Heal Now and Forever recently posted….Want To See A Therapist? Demystifying Therapy and TherapistsMy Profile

    • Jodi – I think that too. Is there really a grand plan we are measured against? What if we opt to blow it all off and find a beach or city to get lost on? Who’s to say it’s the wrong way to live? As you say, regardless. We are living.

  4. Dreams and choices. I’ve had these doubts and though I don’t doubt my ambition/dreams now, I still hear a voice telling me I’m terribly under-accomplished in many areas. I’m still looking forward to my having-it-all, and I know I am working on it. More importantly, I want to enjoy my getting there.
    Claudine Gueh recently posted….Drawing Up An Imaginative JourneyMy Profile

    • Claudine – I doubt you are alone in hearing the voice say ‘what do you have to show for yourself?” It’s human nature, but I kind of think it keeps us pushing ourselves to reach higher. Remember to enjoy where you are.

    • Elisabeth – Yikes! Five times? Painful. A few years back I moved a lot and learned as you have, books and a laptop, oh and my music. Then… :-)

  5. Ashantay Peters

    Thanks for the insightful post. I’m glad that you are listening to your inner wisdom – too many of us don’t and are unhappier for the lack. Plus, you have a kick-butt inner voice!

    • Hi Ashantay – Thanks much for stopping by. I like my inner voice, she keeps me balanced. Secretly, I think she’s related to my Grandma.

  6. Beautifully expressed, Brenda. I, too, look back and wonder at paths not taken, but then I wouldn’t be who and where I am at this really great period of my life. My wants now are few, and my faith in the Universe to always have my highest good in mind gives me more peace and freedom than I’d ever imagined.
    injaynesworld recently posted….injaynesworld “What We Do For Love…”My Profile

    • Hi Jayne – Thanks kindly. I think what I want is only to never stop dreaming. I am more curious about the Universe than I should be, and wonder how it applies its logic and does what it does.

  7. Great post and timely for me, as I’m about to make one or two choices that may change things as they are right now. Always second-guessing…

  8. When we regret the choice not taken, mostly we imagine all the good things that could’ve happened. But that’s not necessarily so, things could’ve turned out quite badly, too.

    Yep, we have to make choices, and sometimes, that other thing looks juicier or better than the thing we chose, but I’d rather make a lemontini than complain about my lemon abundance.
    Beverly Diehl recently posted….9 Ways to Find Your Next Favorite Book #amreadingMy Profile

  9. I loved every sentence of this post! It is so true and I often fear that my deepest dreams won’t come true, but you helped to put things into perspective. I’ll still dream, but I’ll remember that my dreams got me where I am and that I will always have more. Thank you!

    P.S. I love your new icon and cover photo. Very nice!
    Chrys Fey recently posted….Name the Day by Sherry Gloag / Book BlastMy Profile

  10. What a beautiful post, Brenda. I loved how your thoughts struck the inner chords of your heart by the end and you found your inner voice calming your aching thoughts.
    For a long time, I lost the battle between choice and dreams because too often, I made the wrong choices; never succumbing to my dreams. Sometimes, if we make the right choices, even though they might not lead us to our goals and aspirations right away, those choices will keep us on the right path. And who knows… we might just surprise ourselves when one day, the correct choices lead us to the fruit of all of our hard work, passion and hopefully, our dreams coming true.
    gina recently posted….Fruit Stands, Cheese Steaks, and Snow CrystalsMy Profile

  11. A thoughtful and reflective post. We all have regrets. I try to not think about them if they begin to weigh me down. It’s a mental burden that keeps me from moving forward in some area or another. Sometimes it’s just a matter of dealing with it head on and crying about it, if need be, ’cause we do need that on occasion. Other times, just have to learn to move on, no matter how difficult those steps are to take. And it may take time.

    Hey, nice chatting with you again. Hope your friend finds the okay to be okay.
    totsymae1011 recently posted….Short Illustrative FilmMy Profile

  12. Ha! The voice in your head sounds a LOT like mine. And I love it when it says, “Every path we follow is as it should have been. Detours are destiny in drag. No choice is wrong. Hindsight is like the illusion mirrors found at a circus, it distorts the true accomplishments of the person’s life.” I know that this is true even when I’m not always conscious of what I am really wanting or dreaming. Ultimately it is good to remember that it is the experience, the journey, not the destination.
    Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com recently posted….10 Commandments For A SMART & Simple LifeMy Profile

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