I’m Too Sexy For Myself

As if that were true.

Yet, I can’t help but wonder why a woman doesn’t chant these words or something less presumptuous, to herself as she starts her day?  Why does a woman think perfection is a requirement to feel sexy?  Sexy isn’t a dress size, a designer sling back shoe dangling from manicured toes, flawless complexion, a sculpted body, a spray tan, or even botoxed lips. Sexy is a feeling we carry inside ourselves and should wear intimately, if not brazenly.

For most women feeling sexy is tangled up in the way she sees herself in the mirror. Her reality rarely, if ever, reconciles with her desires.  A younger woman might covet more or less of what she has and yearn for what is photoshopped on the glossies she views as gospel according to the Hearst Corporation.  A woman in the middle of her life will look back over her shoulder and mourn the loss of her sharp angles and agility. She’ll smile towards her future but wonder if maybe she ran too fast into happily ever after.  A well-heeled woman will laugh at the silly notions she had about being older, toss regrets into the trash bin, but she’ll pine excessively for the face she wore in her twenties.  She’ll don lavish creams and ointments too pricey to reveal.  She’ll consider the scalpel, thinking if only she looked less like her and more like something else, she would have her sexy back.

I lack all those adjectives that describe physical perfection. I do.  I buy my shoes where Herman Munster does.  Don’t get me going about the shape of my bum or the number of dead leg lifts I log each week to keep my arse where it belongs and not down with the back of my knees. I sometimes resent the number of miles I walk to keep my heart and head strong.  I covet crusty baguettes lathered with double-cream brie washed down with an eighties style—buttery and oaky—chardonnay, instead of a heaping helping of veggie salad and quinoa, and a eight ounce glass of water with a slice of lemon. I have a few feathery lines around my eyes that were not there a decade ago, and now it takes days if not weeks to drop the five pounds I lose, gain, lose.

Even though the woman looking back at me in my mirror is never going to grace the cover of a glossy since I do not quite fit their description of outward facing beauty, I’ll never let go of my inner sexy. It’s as unique as a snowflake.  It’s something every woman has inside.  She only has to shake it lose and let it fall over her bare soul. Wear it brazenly and with gusto. Don’t hide it away for a special occasion.  Wear it every day.

I remind myself on those gloomier days (face it, we all have them), that no woman, regardless if she is a size 0 or 24, is ever happy with the body she is slipping into her jeans.  I know America’s Top Models struggle with the same issues as an everyday gal living her life on the page does.  It doesn’t hurt a woman if she has everything working for her, but it doesn’t mean she is happier or has a handle the mundane issues we ALL wrestle.

Hand on my heart, I do believe it’s easier for a woman to face down her demon image issues if she embraces her flaws, size 11 feet and all, when she is donning her inner sexy.    Go on, wear yours, what do you have to lose, except a smile or three.  Give it a go, wear yours proud and take notice of how the world responds to you when you’re all shimmery and awash with sizzle.  Come back and tell me about it.


You know it’s coming so here it is, when was the last time you wore your inner sexy brazenly and with gusto?

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I’m a writer and hoarder of one-size-fits-all panty hose. Until the hose fits over my bum, I write to provide an alternative view on writing and perfection.

59 thoughts on “I’m Too Sexy For Myself

  1. Great article Brenda! Sexiness has nothing to do with a size or ‘certain look’ and everything to do with the confidence of the woman. Like everyone else I get drawn into second guessing my curves and weight, then an article like this comes out and I remind myself again: “Hey, you rock girl!”
    Elizabeth Young recently posted….Rosetta’s Road, Chapter 7, Part OneMy Profile

    • Bingo, Elizabeth! It’s all about what’s on the inside. It’s a state of mind, which we forget. You do rock, woman. Don’t forget it.

  2. Yes, Brenda, it IS the inner confidence and, dare I say it, peace that communicate to the world that we are comfortable with our body, our mind, our sexiness. We no longer dwell on the outward and visible signs, but on our inward and spiritual grace. And, that is what shines forth to others in spite of our wrinkles, shoe sizes, and sags in unwanted places.
    Terrific reflection here, my friend!
    Blessings to you!
    Martha Orlando recently posted…."Rollin’ Down Highway 41 . . ."My Profile

    • Martha, I stand amended. You’re right, we need that peace within to truly shine and be who we always were from the moment we opened our wee little eyes. There is more grace and beauty in our hearts than we appreciate.

    • Hey Robin.. I love shoes of all kinds, but after a stint in London, where you walk everywhere, I adopted comfort. I still don the sexy shoe now and again, but for everyday mostly some sort of clog ( I know – ick) but I want a lot.

    • Sharon – I don’t know a woman who doesn’t. We get lost in our lives and forget. Good for you and your husband, that’s the best combo.

  3. Jo

    We do absolutely need our sexy workin’.

    I believe it’s mostly a matter of just plain ole lovin’ the person you are. When you walk with confidence and self approval, you are sexy. Everyone sees it. Has nothing to do with body image or face perfection, it has to do with attitude. Feel it, be it.

    Wonderful reminder to any who may have forgotten. We are enough.
    Jo recently posted….THE SEASONSMy Profile

    • Jo, what you say is true. It’s that walk of confidence that makes all the difference in a day. Being who you are and not who you think you should be..We are more than enough, now if only my feet wouldn’t take that so literally.

  4. Brenda, I’ll be the first to admit that I lack that feeling of inner sexy. It wasn’t that long ago, though, that I did feel it strong. Just a few short years back I was feel ’n it! Where did it go? I know, I know. Like you said, it isn’t about the weight, the little threads of silver, the teeny lines that showed up. It’s deeper than flesh and skin. I want that inner sexy back!
    Debra recently posted….After the StormMy Profile

    • Debra – it’s still there, honey. Let it out. Take yourself out for a beauty day, but some new threads, treat yourself. Have a make up at the Mac counter. It’s all superficial, but the act of taking care of yourself is a huge reminder to make the effort everyday. Your psyche needs a little encouragement

  5. Kat

    This is so true and well spoken. Too often we forget that our sexy isn’t tied to our outward appearance and forget to be who we really are. Thanks for the reminder. We are all beautiful in our own way.
    Kat recently posted….Finding Your PeaceMy Profile

  6. jan

    I agree 100%, I was so awash in this comparing game, I almost missed the love of my life. I was so concerned with what I saw in the mirror, a round nearly 50 woman (at the time). Now I embrace who I am, I have worked so hard to become the me I am, and besides Randy loves me in cutoffs and a white t-shirt, he can always make me smile. I am newly finding so much joy for all the blessings I do have, that I don’t have time to worry about not being 5’9” 120lbs and blond.
    jan recently posted….Sometimes I WishMy Profile

    • Jan – beautifully said. Randy is a lucky man (which he probably knows) and your amazing photos show us the beauty you see everywhere around you.

  7. How true. Inner beauty is sexy. For a long time I used to think in order to be sexy you have to look beautiful outside but that is so not true! I love myself today fat and all…
    rimly recently posted….MY DREAMSMy Profile

  8. You’ve done it again! You’ve written another great piece of sassy, snappy writing. And this line is perfection itself :”I lack all those adjectives that describe physical perfection. “. Love your humour, as always.
    As for my sexy? Mmm, it doesn’t seem to emerge from its cave too often these days (have put on way too much weight, don’t walk enough, and eat far too much chocolate and drink too much red wine) but sometimes when I turn on the radio to one of those stations that plays music back from my day, and my hips start to sway and my shoulders move slowly, in response to something stirring, deep inside. It may not look sexy, but it sure feels it! :-)
    Edith recently posted….A Writer’s Diary is More than a ListMy Profile

    • Edith – I can tackle love and writing with seriousness, but myself… not so much. It’s hard for me to say on the page “I am flawless” without gagging. I do however, embrace my swagger! :-) Work you magic anyway you can. Thanks for the thoughtful words, they are truly appreciated.

  9. Hi Brenda,

    The world does respond favorably to a woman who embraces her inner beauty. Confidence makes a huge difference to be sure.

    Men may not pay as much attention to the glossies, but we do take note of the Mark Wahlberg-ish chiseled abs in ads (as we suck in our guts) and have to remind ourselves that there is more to our personas than well-toned muscles.

    I had an interview the other day and once I was done psyching myself up and getting dressed, the reactions of my family to the confident look I had crafted for the benefit of my interviewer were amazing. Projecting our confident inner selves takes work, but it’s worth the effort.
    Ray Colon recently posted….Somebody’s Watching MeMy Profile

    • Ray – you always make me smile. You’re right, of course, the world responds to a person wearing confidence bold and bright. So .. what was the interview for, can it be read somewhere and did you take a picture?

      • Brenda, smiling is good, thanks. Oh, it was a job interview and not someone asking for my opinion – heaven forbid. I didn’t take a picture, but you can just start with the scraggly self I described in my At The Feet of The Master post and imagine the opposite. I still clean up pretty well, I’m told. :)
        Ray Colon recently posted….Your Second Best TalentMy Profile

        • Ray,I’m sure you do. I both love and hate interviewing. I like the chase, but after a while, I get sick of hearing me talk about me. Fingers crossed.

  10. Susan Deborah

    A fantastic post that every woman (and man) should read. Inner confidence coupled with a pleasant demeanour makes a great difference. Sometimes one gets so stressed trying to reach the ideal that is there in our minds that we often forget to live lives of joy and pleasure.

    Joy always,

    • Hi Deborah – thanks kindly for your words. I couldn’t agree with you more. I had fun time writing the post. I came out in one gush. I love it when an idea just slips out of my head and onto the page.

  11. I hear you, Brenda! I’ve been feeling my inner sexy often lately and I bring her out more often now than I have in a long, long time, probably going back to my 20s. Yes, I accept my flaws and also acknowledge my assets, which are easy to forget when we’re down on ourselves. I really relate to your thoughts on self empowerment.

    • Adriene – you woman, are my shero today. Keep bringing her out, and watch how everything swirls around you, even your poetry will feel the effects of this.. truly I believe this. My writing is different when I am sailing over the emotional tides of life.

  12. I’m not sure I even think about sexy. I think about writing and translating and reading and other things I enjoy (especially spending time with SO), or, better yet, I do them. Sometimes I think that the word “sexy” is overrated.
    angel011 recently posted….The Vampire CoverMy Profile

    • Ivana – you’ve got your hands full. It’s a powerful word, and means something different to each of us. You’re probably right about it being over used, but it’s an apt word for that feeling we carry inside of us.

  13. Ahhhhhhh, What a BRILLIANT, inspiring, TRUE essay, Brenda.

    I looooooooooooooooove it!

    I once knew a woman from Carnival Cruise Lines who was quite plain by society’s standards ( I HATE SOCIETY) but she was confident & walked —or should I say flowed into the room with her head held high…She reminded me of Pavlova…

    I asked a friend…. “WHY do all of the guys flock around Linda. She’s not that cute, is she?”

    One of the dudes looks at me and retorted…. “Have you watched her walk? She is SO sexy!”

    I never forgot that.

    Brenda, do you know what is sexy?
    —– YOUR WRITING, Words, Sentences….YOU!! —-Xxxxx
    My Inner Chick recently posted….FLIRTING WITH ANTONIOMy Profile

    • Hola Kim – I know what you mean about a that walk and look. It can bring a man to his knees. We women hide our ‘inner chick’ all too often. I’d say you had some amazing advice directly from the horses mouth as it were… I am as always speechless from you generosity and words of encouragement, truly I am. Hugs, my sweet one.

  14. Brenda, Darling, I hear you loud and clear. At 66, I still look fantastic. I think I’m pretty and I like my body. Does that shock? Of course, part of it may be that I refuse to wear glasses and I don’t dwell on flaws. The part of “me” that is sexy is the real part. It’s not the shoes. It’s not the make up. It’s not the clothes or the perfume. It’s something totally intrinsic as opposed to external. Because I like me and think I’m hot stuff, other people do too. Seriously, it’s not a deep dark secret. Think beautiful and you are beautiful. Think sexy and you are sexy. Simple as that.
    Linda Medrano recently posted….Pacification with Pork ChopsMy Profile

    • Linda, I couldn’t agree more. I know I’m not a classic beauty but I never let it stop me. I feel good about who I am and live it. It’s easier on my psyche if I don’t go to the dark side. I remember as a teen I so coveted Debbie Salazar’s DD.. OMG, I wanted them. Somewhere along the way I realized it wasn’t what made me who I was. I let go. I have to were glasses to write, but I make sure they are the latest in fashion and think of them as fashion accessories. And you are one sexy woman, Linda.

  15. Hi, Brenda! ~

    I’m happy to say that I wear my inner and outer sexy most days! It helps to get enough sleep, enjoy good friends and a fulfilling life, and have a boyfriend who thinks I’m ‘all that’ consistently, day in and day out.

    You are one of the sexiest ladies I’ve come across on the Blogoshpere — from your Womanly Website Banner to your HOT Hispanic Mind! YOU are definitely ALL THAT! XOXO
    Dangerous Linda recently posted….friday momentMy Profile

  16. I think I’ve lost sexy forever. It ain’t never comin back I’m afraid. I do think about it from time to time though. To me, being sexy means being pleasing to a man. Judging by the male feedback I get, I still please them, at least on first impressions. But I’m just not feeling it and haven’t in years. I keep wondering what, if anything will grow in to fill the void where sexy me used to be?

    • E – It’s a feeling only you conjure. You have it inside of you and, in my opinion, it’s not something a man needs to validate. Let yourself shine.

      • Good stuff here Brenda. Makes me want to ask you to blog about how women define and experience sexuality, with that easy breezy, light touch of yours, this could bring an outpouring of responses.

        I wouldn’t myself because, I lack the style and the audience to advance the question properly. :)

        In the mean time, I’ll keep reading. Lots of ineresting responses here tool.

  17. Sometimes it’s sooooooo difficult to feel good about yourself when you’re feeling sluggish, so I’d say it’s after a good, cool walk at the park. (Preferably on a day when I have no spots on my face, and the skin is somewhat glowing …) Inner confidence is stronger when I know I’ve done something good ~ like having a solid lesson with my kids at the library. I wish, I wish it’s also when I’m out having dinner with my girlfriends, but lately the confidence seems to zap itself away …

    Anyway, taking walks and having good lessons are still very good for me.

    • Colleen, you’ve reminded me that it’s true that a surge in confidence brings a surge of libido, and that confidence comes from doing good things. My confidence has been flagging lately… wonder what that tells me?

      I can only guess at what’s zapping the confidence with your girfriends. My big insecurities with other women, and now men too, is career and educational background. Identifying the sore spots helps get the healing started. I don’t have to let these insecurities be real, or rule if I work on continuing to build confidence by doing good. It’s a really tall order to apply day after day. A sense of imperfection can really dampen our spirits at times.
      elysiafields recently posted….It’s A 5D World!My Profile

    • C-I think sometimes it’s just an inner feeling we hold on to. Find something that makes you feel the shine. It could be a moment or an encounter… Hold on to it and when you feel your shine waning, pull it back.

  18. Oh, Brenda, good for you, writing about this important topic. Sexy. The other night I attended a gala and wore my black cocktail dress. That makes me feel sexy. Sure, I couldn’t breathe once it was zipped up, but it made me feel good to wear it and be able to zip it up!
    Monica recently posted….The Race is OnMy Profile

  19. Your words so resonate with me.
    I agree, there is no such thing as a woman in this society who doesn’t have body image issues. And even if she is out there somewhere, I’m not sure I could like her.
    I’ve dealt with this crap all my life. In my teens, I had an eating disorder. Now, residing in my mid-life body, sometimes I’m not sure who I’m becoming. It’s odd and a little confusing.
    I love how you cast it in a new light. It’s just what I needed to hear.
    Thank you.

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