Morning comes around 365 days, year after year. You'll be surprised to find that regardless of sun, rain, sleet, or snow, that you're likely to have a heavy heart more days that you'd think is fair. It matters not what the cause, only that you'll say to yourself, I can't do it. I can't face the day, the gloom, the ache, the hill.
The electric bill is higher than your bank balance,
Your best friend is getting married
The one before her is having her second baby,
And you? You're still working on fame,
Fortune, and repairing your fragile ego.
You worry that you'll drown in the puddle
of tears you cry nightly into your pillow.
You've forgotten what put the need in you
For the lanky man lying alongside your
Curvy frame in a bed build for two, you'll whisper
You don’t' love me
But you like me
I love you
But I don't like you
You tell me to stay
But you push me away
I knock on your door
But pray you're dead on the floor
You laugh, you'll cry. You'll yell
I can't do it. You'll look to the heavens
At the woman in the mirror, who has your eyes
But not your hips, you'll ask, who is she?
Is that my ass? What happened to size perfect?
You'll howl at the moon, you'll wallow, you'll crack open a bottle of Jack Daniels, and you'll even call home but pride will stop you short of groveling. And when Mom asks, "How's it going, baby girl?" You'll hesitate a second too long, and with all your will, you'll choke back the tears with the panic near boiling, and you'll summon a strength you not was there, and promise her that life, this life, the very one that you handmade, is everything you ever wanted. You'll say to yourself, I can't do it, can't tell her the truth, can't tell her the nights are too long, that your heart is too fragile. You'll finally understand what it means to be grown up, and hate it because it's not what you imagined, because it's fallen short of your dreams, and scream, I can't do it.
You say to yourself, I can't do this anymore,
Live my life according to plan
I can't find myself inside all the haze
I can't carry the weight of a world
That was never my burden, it's time to burn
The blueprints, the ones I carefully crafted
So long ago. You'll remember all that you
Knew, that life isn't dot-to-dot, it's
Not highways, department stores, it's
Not Cover Girl perfect, Cosmo
Size 0, it’s not men or boys, or girls,
It’s not love, or money, it's not in a book.
You'll howl to the moon and cry out in joy as you scream, I can't do it this WAY anymore. And when the sun rises tomorrow, in rain, snow, sun, and even sleet, your heart will be light, your bed built for two, now minus one. You'll marvel that your pillow is dry.
The life, your life, the one you defined is yours to create, define, redefine, destroy, rebuild. You'll get angry because you had forgotten that nothing you imagine is limited unless you limit it. You'll pour a glass of wine then give a nod to your old life and mouth good riddance and toast the day, and marvel once again at mystery of life.
A lesson for my daughter. If you had one to share, that I could share with my girl, what would it be?
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
You covered so much – so many lessons for your daughter – in his post that I'm stunned. I remember those calls home to Mom when I was just starting out…. and I wish she had told me me half of the stuff in this post. She did tell me I needed to manage my money better but no one told me how to get the money in the first place. If I had a daughter who was anything like me (when I was young)I'd tell her she had every right to take up her fair share of space on the planet. My sons however don't seem to need to be told that.
Carol – I love my Mom to bits, but she is more the stoic sort and said 'Life, go for it, you'll need to figure it out on your own'. I did of course as we all do, but if i can help my girl…who knows.. Boys are not quite like the girls. I look at my little guy and wonder.
Brenda, you touched me with words I held long ago, and for more years than I'd like to remember. But I promise, one day the sun will shine bright again, and you'll see everything with new eyes, clear eyes and a heart that is yours again, a heart that says, "Yes, I can!" I promise . . . because I've been there.
Hi Nancy – I did the same, too many years to remember.. I love where I am these days, and my hope is that my girl gets there/here before I ever did.
My daughter reminded me recently that I'm the one who taught her that she could be anything she wanted. Then, she told me she wanted to be a boy. Now I have a son ….
Linda – that is the hardest part of being a parent, teaching them to be independent, have a voice, speak aloud, be themselves, and then we are surprised when we find out that they were listening! Go figure.
Beautiful. You are speaking frankly, instead…of avoidance and denial…and that is a beautiful thing.
Annie – I don't know any other way to be, honest and open.
Brenda honey, you changed the wallpaper and rearranged the furniture, I thought I clicked on the wrong bloghouse
I'm loving this new decor all up in here. Now…
All I have to say is that you're not alone, chile. It does get overwhelming and the only option is to keep moving. And I know it can be as achey as a knee with arthritis (well, from what I hear) but what can I say, we're gonna make it out of this sun to find us some shade.
T- new site **is in flux** – was hacked and had to find a temporary skin because it was the only way to get rid of the issue. I am not a blue kind of girl, I am flamboyant and colorful … so, watch for more changes. My woes aside, I had this plan of writing my girl an how to for life, which it is heading that way, but in the process I am learning myself. This is the best part of writing.
You've covered so much of what we all want to teach our daughters with this post. The title brings to mind one important lesson I always try to teach my daughter. I borrowed it from Henry Ford:
"Whether you think you can, or think you can't – You're right."
Karen – that is a keeper, and something to follow .. I am sure my little one will do fine with or without me hoovering, after all I have worked for this moment, her independence, but it can't hurt to have a sneak peek into what is coming. It's up to her in the end.. Yes?
WOW!
Brenda– One cannot read your writings without stopping to ponder…without shading…without re-reading.
I like that. Substance. Depth. Meaning.
"I can't carry the weight of a world."
I CAN NOT!!!!!
I CAN NOT!!!!!!!
…Each day is new. The sun is shining today.
xx
You know Miss Kim, for a long while now I have pondered my voice in the blogging world, because I am not always 'skinny', rather I can and tend to be full fat (kind of like you when you address your demons while fighting the grief of losing Kay), but I finally came to the realization I am what I am, and so is the voice, and thus the writing that comes out is from my heart almost always. I thanks kindly for your continued support and warm words, they make me smile. Hugs back at you..
I hope you can feel that we are all here for you, that you aren't alone, dear Brenda. I will carry you near to my heart all day today especially. When you dare to be your authentic self you give the rest of the world permission to do the same! Thank you!
Brynne – truly, the sentiments are most appreciated. I am touched of those that stop by and read my notes to my daughter (who thinks I am a strange woman, but whom she loves regardless)…. I realized that I write what I write in my own voice because that is where I am strongest… You should read the fiction story stories – so different. Sometimes chick lit that includes romps and good sex, and lots of dialogue, etc., and sometimes (like the story I am writing now – very different).
http://www.getsparked.org/spark12/brenda-moguez-a…
Okay – am I tripping, or was this blog pink, like, YESTERDAY?
Beautiful thoughts. Can't add a word.
not tripping, Bev (hack and had to change skin because site hack was embedded inside of the design) so I currently in recovery of being hacked and in between.. and thank you for the comments. I am not a 'blue' kind of person, but it was a free theme and it worked without me having to tweek the html… I've had a crazy week.
Now Brenda, this is what I'm talkin' bout! When you and I exchanged emails regarding what direction was best for you, this is what I was referring to. This is raw, this is painfully human, this is something we can all relate to, mothers, daughters, sisters and lovers. You touch our very core with words that we all understand because we've all been there at one point or another. We sigh with you, we empathize, we sympathize and we nod our heads in affirmation. This is what the sisterhood is or should be about. The pain, the wonderment, the confusion, the frustration, the hope, the angst, the love, and the expectation that tomorrow will be better. If I could share one lesson with you that you could in turn share with your daughter, it would be that as women, we are invincible. We do not need a man to make us complete, or to succeed in life, or to feel happy, or to make our way in the world. A man should be seen as a complement to our lives, not what makes our life whole. We are capable of making it, of going the whole nine yards, with or without one. And should we find ourselves without one, then that's okay too. For we are women, and that's enough.
Bella – I have a few writing voices, but and with the exception, this voice it me unplugged. Saying what I have to say on these topics best told from the core, and so the writing has to be naked, I guess that best describes it. I took your words to heart my dear… this is my piece of real estate so I aim to have some fun. Now on to serious business… the lesson you mention is important for women of all ages. I think most of us have asked that question at least ( I hope) once in their lifetime, myself included. I do live a lanky man with come hither eyes and a graveling voice that with one look can render me senseless (be still my romantic beating heart), but I also LOVE my independence and reckless nature… On a side note, I like you theories on sisterhood..I am inspired by this idea for something..
Wow. This is one I will be printing off and sticking in my journal. Well done! Here's another gem I just read from the anthology "Dropped Threads- What we Weren't Told":
"Rather than hunting a once-and-for-all big dream, the "other way" that I have grown into slowly, and that I associate with female experience is to respond to life with a kind of cultivated serendipity – with provisional plans that shape-shift over the course of being pursued" (Jaqueline McLeod Rogers, 'Grace After Pressure).
Astra – Like Debra's comment, this is a keeper too. What I am most tickled by in my comments is when others share ideas and concepts of their own in reaction to mine..I so feel this one you've shared is how I've bumped through my own life. I am not a planner, and a jump over the edge and worry about the what' ifs, later,kind of person. I prefer thinking of it as' cultivated serendipity' …. The writer in me is glad to have connected with you via the blogosphere. Women living out their lives across the globe and sharing their views, humor, compassion, etc., a few times a week. This is a good thing.
How beautifully put dear Brenda!
I’m teaching my daughter what a real education looks like according to one of my heroes, John Taylor Gatto:
Whatever an education is, it should make you a unique individual, not a conformist; it should furnish you with an original spirit with which to tackle the big challenges; it should allow you to find values which will be your road map through life; it should make you spiritually rich, a person who loves whatever you are doing, wherever you are, whomever you are with; it should teach you what is important, how to live and how to die.
Ah, Debra – I hadn't thought about it that way, but I believe there were aspects of this in my teachings to my girl. She is a creative, dresses to her own style, not a follower, which caused her issues all through school, but she stayed true to her own self. I have saved this quote for me ( you taught me today) since once and a while I question my writer's voice. Thank you, Debra, for once again inspiring me.. much love..
If there's one thing… perhaps, just listen. Listen to what I don't say more than what I say
…
I finally got to your post Brenda. I like what you write and how you write…but I really have to spend time with it
…
Good for reflection this weekend
Hi Melissa – You are coming to me from a long way, welcome. I like your suggestion, 'listen…' we as mothers, daughters, lovers, don't always take the time to listen and reflect. Thank you for that .. I do write and take ideas from comments made by fellow writers, so this is appreciated. I will come by and visit your site, too. Thanks again for visiting.
Beautiful and excruciating…always changing LIFE!
Welcome, Elise, and yes life is ever changing and moving faster that we can keep up. Appreciate your stopping by grrlguide, hope to see you again.
This is beautiful. Have you ever read Joan Didion's "Goodbye to All That" by any chance? It's a beautiful essay that I think you'd enjoy–some of the same sentiments (though in a much different style).
Thanks, as always, for the inspiration.
-Miss GOP
Hi Miss GOP! Thank you, and no I have not, but I will look for it. I am in crush with Ms. Didion, I discovered m-dashes through her.